Fantastic, I tell you.
Anyway. I get back to Denver on Monday and run to the grocery store, then get home and give affection to the cat, workout, shower, try out my new makeup (I went makeup shopping with Rachel since she wanted to look her age ((in a good way)) for her birthday with grown-up makeup and such. I gave into temptation and got some new cosmetic treats for myself), and headed out the door for a date. As should come as no surprise to those of you who know me, the date was a source for quite a lot of introspection.
The fellow was nice and (unlike the last internet-founded date) a talker. The conversation went fine, but there was no... spark, I guess? I was responsive out of politeness rather than that genuine pull of a great dialogue. Inbetween my responses my inner monologue was running along these lines:
- I think I'm out of this guy's league. In a good way.
- What a crazy thing! I spent the days leading up to the date in a panic that he wouldn't be interested, that he would take one look at me, at my body, and would lose all interest, and now that I'm here, I'm thinking I'm out of his league.
- How horrible of me. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
- But I am. I am choosy. I'm choosy because I can't turn off the direct circut that links dating to marriage.
- I trying to, believe me. I'm trying so hard to figure out how to date just for the sake of dating. I want to figure out how to undo all those years of Young Women's brainwashing.
- I don't mind meeting new people, but sometimes it's exhausting. During those preliminary verbal exchanges I think about all of the things that person should know about me and all of the stuff I should know about them and there's just so much. I want relationships to come out naturally, to meander to and through a friendship. But dating (and internet dating in particular) isn't a pleasant walkabout. It feels more like a marathon of check-points and next-step-goals.
- Does that mean I have to date more to figure out how to do it right?
- I like having a reason to try new makeup and dress up. I like how I stopped being nervous the second I walked into the coffee shop. I like the confidence I discovered I had.
- I don't like dating, though. I like my friends. I like the conversations I have with my friends.
- I also like a certain classiness. For good or for bad, I am elitist and I like being around people who know how to and who do play the rules of the social game.
- So here's this perfectly nice guy sitting in front of me and he's smart and his profile online was very attractive and yet...
I promise I was conversant above these thoughts. Heck, I was even flirty. Not flirty in a Grandma Cook-approved way, granted, but in a brainy-girl way. Which totally still counts as flirty.
I think what I want is to go back to college. That is, I want to go back to the days when I was meeting and working and playing with a lot of new people all of the time. That, for whatever reason, was not exhausting but rather exhilarating. Some of my closest friends came from that time as well as a heck of a lot of people I loved knowing and being around. Those relationship-opportunities have gone from great big lakes to what feels like this.
I saw this TED talk on my blogroll tonight:
Maybe that's the issue. Maybe the fact that I don't even have time to watch a 13-minute TED talk about balancing your work and personal life because I work all the freakin' time is the issue. (Because I haven't actually watched it yet. I've just flagged it for future viewing. Do you know what that is?
That's right, kids.)
I don't know how to make this all better yet. But then there was that other thing I flagged on my blogroll today:
And really, I think that's all I need to know.
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