Monday, April 23, 2012

Well, This Isn't Good.

I have been fasting all weekend.  To be fair, it didn't start out as a fast.  At first I didn't eat because I was still a bit wary from a moderate case of food poisoning Friday afternoon.  Then I didn't eat because I was busy.  Then I didn't eat because I'm stubborn that way towards myself sometimes.  Then I went to the temple, where I figured it was time to turn the not-eating into a proper spiritual fast. 

I haven't done a longer fast in years and years, and I certainly haven't done one this long.  I liked it.  I enjoyed church more with that spiritual preparation than I have in months and months, and once I stopped eating it was easy to continue.  It helped that I kept busy all weekend, of course.  I'm lousy at fasting when I'm home alone.  I figured I would keep it up until after church on Sunday, then break the fast all proper-like.

But even after I formally broke the fast with the sacrament at church yesterday morning, I didn't want to eat.  So I skipped lunch, wrote some emails, and headed out to escort some students to a play up near Mountain Town.

I was planning on eating when I got home.  Thanks to my errand-running Saturday, I had good food in my fridge for once.  I changed out of my dress clothes, fed the cat, and prepared a plate.  Then, just as I had settled in at the kitchen table with my plate and a book, my phone rang and I was sucked in to a long conversation.

I did eat a little even as we talked.  But then I was worried it was too annoying for the other person, too rude to eat while talking on the phone, so I pushed my plate aside.

When we finished talking, I took up my plate again.  I tried to eat more, but I just didn't want to.  So I wrapped it in Saran wrap, tucked it back in the fridge, and went to bed, telling myself that I'll eat in the morning.

I want to eat.  I know that I need to eat.  I didn't exercise this weekend because I didn't trust myself not to lose my balance and fall off the elliptical.  I'm rational enough to know that a few bites of pad thai and a vitamin pill over 60 hours is not good.

But I also got on the scale this morning and discovered I had dropped nine pounds over the weekend.

I know it's not real.  I know it's mostly water weight, that I haven't been drinking nearly enough.  I know that weight lost by not eating isn't at all healthy, nor is it typically permanent.  I know that the body kicks into starvation mode, which is not at all the way to lose weight.  I know, I know, I know.

But there is that voice in the back of my mind that says, "If you lost that much after just two days..."

And so I'm sitting at my desk at school, looking at the unopened yogurt in front of me.  And I just don't know.

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