Friday, December 04, 2015

So You're a Viking...

When I get tired or stressed, I sometimes get a little too creative.  For example, here is the test that I wrote in the midst of show week for my World Mythology class' Norse unit...

1.      While driving over Crow Hill, your car starts to sputter.  You pull over to the side of the road and discover two black birds sitting on the hood.  Because you are special, you can tell that they are not crows, but are in fact ravens.  This must mean that…
a.      Thor is missing his hammer
b.      The Norns are about to appear
c.       Odin wants to talk to you
d.      Your car is dead.
e.      Ragnorok has come!

2.      To your surprise, one of the ravens begins to speak.  You can understand him because:
a.      You have a special dwarf-made ring
b.      You rescued Brynhild (Brunhilde) that morning
c.       You drank dragon blood/ate a dragon’s heart
d.      Science.
e.      Ragnorok has come!

3.      The ravens introduce themselves.  Their names are:
a.      Hugin and Munin
b.      Jotun and Gunnar
c.       Signy and Sigurd
d.      Tristan and Isolde
e.      Simon and Garfunkle

4.      The ravens tell you that ten brothers have been kidnapped and are tied to trees in the forest on the hill just above the school parking lot.  The ravens want you to rescue them.  You have to hurry, though, because you know that…
a.      The Bifrost is cracking
b.      A werewolf is eating one brother per day
c.       The Jotuns are attacking Asgard and the gods need the brothers’ help
d.      Dwarves are slitting the brothers’ throats one at a time
e.      Ragnorok has come!

5.      The ravens fly away and your car starts again.  You put the pedal to the metal and make it to the school in record (but completely safe and legal) time.  You park and make your way towards the giant number 9 on the hill, certain that it’s a sign from the gods.  After all, there are…
a.      Nine nazgul
b.      Nine norns
c.       Nine races of gods and men
d.      Nine worlds
e.      Nein.  Just… nein.

6.      As you pass the giant 9, you can see men tied to trees there on the hillside.  Well, parts of men.  Just some bones and hair and gristle are left for most of them. It looks like you only got there in time to save one of them.  It’s okay, he’s probably the best one anyway.  After all, his name is…
a.      Sigmund
b.      Signy
c.       Siggeir
d.      Significant
e.      Signorok has come!

7.      Hmm.  It looks like that guy is tied pretty tightly to the tree and you can’t just cut or untie the ropes yourself for mythical reasons.  Fortunately, you brought something with you to rescue him:
a.      A magic ring
b.      A jar of honey
c.       A magic helmet
d.      A piece of mistletoe
e.      The final piece of the triforce

8.      It works!  The scene is pretty gruesome, though.  The werewolf did show up, and the fellow bit off the wolf’s
a.      Lips
b.      Tongue
c.       Hand
d.      Nose
e.      Ragnoroks

9.      The fellow runs away to save some maiden or treasure or something.  You, meanwhile, make your way around the giant puddle of werewolf blood.  As you do, you see something glinting in the setting sun.  There, in the middle of a tree trunk, is…
a.      The Necklace Brisingamen
b.      The Hammer of Thor
c.       The Apples of Iduna
d.      The Sword of the Volsungs
e.      The entrance to Halloween Town

10.  Because you took this class, you know that it was put there by
a.      Odin
b.      Freya
c.       Balder
d.      Loki
e.      Ryan

11.  You pull the item from the tree.  It’s shiny.  There is a name carved on it in strange markings.  Because you are smart, you know that these markings are…
a.      Cuneiform
b.      Runes
c.       Glyphs
d.      Sanskrit
e.      Like, really, really old

12.  You’ve finished the quest the ravens gave to you, but you’re not done yet!  Before the fellow ran off, you overheard him mention a treasure in a cave nearby.  Who could resist that?  The only problem is that the treasure is guarded by…
a.      Fafnir the Dragon
b.      Fenrir the Dragon
c.       Fifner the Dragon
d.      Futhnor the Dragon
e.      Chris Pratt

13.  You’re not worried about the dragon, though.  You have a nifty sword and a plan to…
a.      Dig a hole
b.      Climb a tree
c.       Set the whole cave on fire
d.      Trick the dragon
e.      Simply walk into Mordor

14.  Your plan works!  Hurrah!  You load up your pockets with as much gold as you can carry.  Because it’s the treasure of gods, the gold is…
a.      Sacred
b.      Liquid
c.       Red
d.      Shiny
e.      Totally not at all cursed in a way that will bring destruction upon you and your family for generations to come.

15.  Huh.  There are some other interesting items in the cave.  For example, there is a picture of the creation of the world; specifically the moment when…
a.      The World Tree first blossomed
b.      The cow licked the ice
c.       The Great Cackler let out her squawk
d.      The first lotus bloomed
e.      Blake played “In the Arms of the Angel”

16.  There is also a statue of the most beloved of the gods…
a.      Heimdall
b.      Balder
c.       Thor
d.      Odin
e.      Beiber

17.  …who was tragically killed by a piece of…
a.      Ice
b.      Mistletoe
c.       Evergreen
d.      Yggdrasil
e.      Paper

18.  …which was thrown at him by his brother…
a.      Hodur.
b.      Hodur.
c.       Hodur.
d.      Hodur.
e.      Hodur.

19.  Your pockets full of treasure, you exit the cave; but the gods aren’t finished with you yet!  There are two horses waiting for you outside.  The horse on the right struts up and nuzzles you.  It’s a lady horse.  A sexy lady horse.  A sexy lady horse who somehow reminds you of…
a.      Loki
b.      Thor
c.       The Vanir
d.      Niflheim
e.      Ragnorok

20.  You are suspicious of the sexy horse, even after it told you its name was Susan and it would like you to respect its life choices.  You decide to take the other horse instead.  It doesn’t exactly look normal, though.  It has…
a.      A red mane and tail
b.      Wings
c.       Eight legs
d.      A horn
e.      That muscle-y guy from the Old Spice commercials riding on its back.

21.  You’re smart, though.  You recognize it as…
a.      Sleipnir, Thor’s horse
b.      Sif, Odin’s horse
c.       Sleipnir, Odin’s horse
d.      Sif, Thor’s horse
e.      The DIA Demon Blue Horse of the Apocalypse Ragnorok

22.  You climb on its back and take off faster than you’ve ever traveled before.  In mere moments the horse stops beside a well.  You notice something strange about this well.  Somehow, just by standing near it, you feel smarter.  It’s as if it is a well of wisdom or something.  This must be the well of…
a.      Mimir
b.      Midgard
c.       Muspelheim
d.      Munin
e.      Miller

23.  It is!  Some guy’s head floats to the surface.  The fact that it’s just a head doesn’t bother you because mythology.  He offers to give you great wisdom, the knowledge of things you’ve always wanted to know.  Things like the signs of Ragnorok, the fate of the gods, and what you should write your senior paper on.  You consider accepting the head’s offer, but hesitate because you know that he will ask for a great sacrifice.  After all, he once took as payment…
a.      The son of Gunner
b.      The sword of the Volsungs
c.       The eye of Odin
d.      The horn of Heimdall
e.      $52.73 in exact change.

24.  Just as you pass on the head’s offer, a god appears by your side!  Whoa!  It’s Tyr, the god of…
a.      Tears
b.      Tiers
c.       Trier
d.      Tyrrany
e.      Combat

25.  He offers to triple the amount of gold in your pocket AND to ship it to your home via FedEx so you don’t have to carry it if you help him recover Thor’s Hammer, a.k.a.…
a.      Mjolnir
b.      Bragi
c.       Gram
d.      Sinfjolti
e.      Hot Lips

26.  But something doesn’t seem quite right about him.  You take a closer look and realize…
a.      This dude has both eyes, and you know that Tyr is blind
b.      This dude is wearing a loose shirt, and you know that Tyr wears a magic girdle
c.       This dude has both hands, and you know that Tyr lost one of his to Fenrir
d.      This dude is carrying a sword, and you know that Tyr’s weapon of choice is a spear
e.      This dude is wearing a nametag that says, “Hello, I’m Loki.”

27.  Curses!  Tyr suddenly turns into Loki when you point out his mistake.  Foiled again!  It’s a little odd, though, since you know that Loki is supposed to be…
a.      Trapped under a mountain that can only be moved by Thor’s hammer
b.      Trapped in a cave that is actually inside the hand of the giant Surt
c.       Tied to a rock with snake venom dripping on his face
d.      Tied to a rock at the bottom of the frost sea
e.      Performing at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas

28.  Oh, well.  You suppose gods can be in two places at once.  They are gods, after all.  The horse whinnies, signaling that it’s time to move on.  You climb back up and together ride.  As you travel, the road beneath you suddenly turns to a rainbow.  You’re traveling on a rainbow bridge over the vastness of time and space!  This must be…
a.      Yggdrasil
b.      The Urda
c.       The Bifrost
d.      Svartalfheim
e.      I-70

29.  You’re right!  For there, waving cheerfully at you as you pass, is the guardian of the bridge,…
a.      Vali
b.      Hjordis
c.       Heimdall
d.      Regin
e.      Groot

30.  You arrive at the home of the gods,
a.      Niflheim
b.      Asgard
c.       Midgard
d.      Jotunheim
e.      Cutthroat

31.  … and are greeted fondly by both Odin and Frigga.  Even the goddess of beauty is there.  You know…
a.      Frey
b.      Freya
c.       Aesir
d.      Vanir
e.      Venus

32.  Odin congratulates you on your noble quest.  He tells you that you have one more task.  There is a maiden trapped in a ring of…
a.      Ice
b.      Snakes
c.       Fire
d.      Gold
e.      Single Ladies

33.   She needs to be rescued.  Of course, you agree because it’s Odin asking, after all.  Odin waves his hand and the home of the gods vanishes.  You find yourself standing on a bridge.  It’s very windy up there, and cars and semi trucks whiz by below.  You head towards the blue and white building you can see on one side.  As you pass through the portal, you find yourself in a football stadium!  Whoa!  There, in the middle of the field, is the dangerous ring Odin spoke of.  However, you cross to it and step right through without any injury.  Now you need to give her something.  Thank goodness while you were in that treasure cave you picked up that…
a.      Magic ring
b.      Magic helmet
c.       Magic shield
d.      Magic bracelet
e.      Holocaust cloak

34.  And there’s the maiden!  She’s dressed in a wedding gown, standing with her back to you.  She looks strangely familiar, though.  Could it be that she’s…
a.      The sister of the ten brothers who sent you to rescue them?
b.      Actually the wolf Fenrir in disguise?
c.       The fiancée you totally forgot about because that evil queen gave you a love potion?
d.      The goddess Freya?
e.      That sexy lady horse from the cave?

35.  She turns to face you and, hoo boy, did she look a lot better from the back.  You take a closer look at that flowing blond hair, those blue eyes, that chiseled jaw and realize that she’s actually…
a.      Thor dressed as a bride again
b.      Loki trying to trick you again
c.       The dwarf-king trying to get his ring back again
d.      The king of the dark elves, trapped there by the Jotuns again
e.      A mirror!  Whoa!  Plot twist!

36.  Suddenly, and for significant mythological reasons and not just because Waterhouse needs to wrap this test up so she can make copies of it for you in time for class today, an eagle flying above drops a rock on your head and you die.  Whoops.  It’s all good, though.  There’s a flying lady right above you.  You died heroically in battle (apparently), which means…
a.      She’s a Norn!
b.      She’s a Vanir!
c.       She’s a Valkyrie!
d.      She’s a wizard, Harry!
e.      Ragnorok has come!

37.  Hurray!  She takes you up and leads you to…
a.      Hel
b.      Yggdrasil
c.       Muspelheim
d.      Valhalla
e.      Disneyland

38.  Congratulations on making it to the good afterlife!  Thank goodness you paid attention in this class.
a.      Dang right I did!  I know how important these stories are!
b.      Heck, yeah!  I pay attention to everything you say, Waterhouse!
c.       Of course!  You are an excellent teacher who makes learning fun, challenging, AND memorable!
d.      Yup!  I’m a good student.
e.      …What?

39.  Then again, this fate isn’t too much of a surprise.  After all, at your birth…
a.      A raven cawed three times, the sign that a warrior’s been born
b.      A Norn appeared and prophesied that this would happen
c.       The local blacksmith gave you the shards of a great warrior’s sword
d.      The sign of the Nidhogg appeared on your back
e.      Someone screamed and cried a lot.  Guess who it was?  Yo mama!

40.  But wait!  What’s this?  In the middle of your welcome feast, the Grand Hall suddenly bursts into flames as fire giants attack!  Two wolves devour the sun and the moon!  Yggdrasil shakes violently! Loki is leading the frost giants to battle against the other gods!  No rest for you!  This means….
a.      You will be resurrected to fight as a warrior once again
b.      You will be forced to pick sides for the battle
c.       You will be burned, then your ashes will be encased in ice
d.      You will be encased in ice and then you will be burned
e.      Ragnorok has come!

The End

1 comment:

  1. I read it to the end; I knew not a single answer.
    Grandpa Ed